My Stake Conference Talk on Pornography

 This is my talk from Stake Conference March 2021, It is not exactly what I said that day but this is the talk I wrote that inspired that talk that day.  I hope it can help some parents out there know that we are not alone in this fight against pornography.  I really believe that all of us parents need to gather together to help our children fight this battle they are up against.  That is my reason for speaking out about the issues in my own family.  

Last year I decided to do a triathlon. The trail I decided to do for the bike ride was the trail that goes along Reay Lane, Golf Course Road, The Safford Cemetery, and back. It took me a few months to build up enough courage to even want to try and climb the dreaded Reay Lane hill.  One of my friends started riding with me and one day we decided we would try that hill and start going out to Daley Estates.  A few weeks later I decided to go along Golf Course Road to 20th.  I figured if I could do the Reay Lane Hill I could do anything.  One day as I was going up and down all those hills along that path I thought how much it compares to life and our trials.  All along our path called life we have ups and downs.  We have trials we dread and they last a lot of years.  We have little trials and huge trials.  Along that path there is a hill that is a gradual climb.  Sometimes it looks like it will take forever to get to the top, but once you get to the top it is basically smooth sailing the rest of the way home.  We might feel like this in life.  There are little trials along the way or opposition.  There are moments when we feel like it is smooth sailing.  The biggest thing I learned is that we can get through anything if we recognize the problem and let the Lord teach us how to build up the strength we need to not just survive the trial but accomplish the trial.   On the day of my triathlon, I did not know that some friends were waiting to cheer me on up another hill around the Safford Cemetery.  That hill was also a struggle but when I saw all those young women cheering me on, it brightened my day and helped me push on to make it up that hill. 

I debated long and hard on whether or not I should share with you about one of my families trials. I decided that for you to listen to me, you need to know that I’ve been there.  You need to know that I’m talking from experience. While my family was struggling with the issue of pornography, ( I say family because even if one child or person is struggling it affects your whole family) so while we were having this struggle I went to a fireside where a couple of people were talking about how to protect your family from this issue.  I sat there and listened to them telling me to do almost everything I have been doing and I was still in this mess.  I did a lot of the things they suggested and my son was still looking at pornography. People could tell me things I did wrong but they really had no idea what I was up against.  I tried to keep an open communication. I tried to not be too open, but open enough. Anyone could sit and tell me what I should do all they want but I felt that they did not really know because they were not going through it like I was.  I tell you our story because I want you to know I’ve been there.  I’ve watched a son get entrapped into the snares of pornography. I’ve struggled in knowing what to do to help him see that this is an addiction that can hurt everyone around you.  To be honest when I first found out what my son was looking at I freaked out.  I did not handle it very well at all.  I apologized later but I’m afraid the damage was done.  I spent many long nights on my knees praying to know how to help him. Parents need to prepare themselves on what to do when their child is exposed to pornography.  I say when because the way our world is going, it is everywhere.  It is in the grocery stores, it is in magazines, it is on the internet, it is in school.   Pornography is not just on the internet though, it can be in the music we listen to, books we read, everyday television we have in our home or even walking down the street.  

 In our world, it is not if your child will be exposed to pornography but when they will be exposed to it.  As parents we need to prepare ourselves to handle the situations that make us so uncomfortable.  We need to be prepared to teach our children what they should do when they come across pornography.  The church has a great video about how to help prepare your children for when uncomfortable images come on their screen.  I would  then follow up with the story of Joseph in Genesis 39 when he is tempted by Potiphar's wife. She kept tempting him to lie with her finally the last time she tempted him he” fled and got him out” . We need to teach our kids to run the other way.  Cover our eyes, do anything but stare at the screen.  One of my friends told me that if her autisict son sees a person inappropriately dressed when they go to the store, he covers his eyes and says he doesn’t need to see that.  What a good example as to what we should do instead of poison our mind with inappropriate images.  

 I really believe that Heavenly Father knew what we would be dealing with in this world.  I feel he prepared us and our children to know how to deal with the issues that come to them before we came to this earth.  We just need to love them and help guide them in the right direction.  Believe in your ability as a parent, believe that he will help you guide your child.  Believe in your child and know he or she has this struggle for a reason.  And with the Lord’s help he or she can overcome the addiction.  If you have questions about what to do in this world go to the church website.  Now there is this manual in your Library that is fantastic.  I love how  Heavenly Father knows just what we need and he has it available for us.  In the library go to Life Help, Pornography, Help for Parents. So easy to find and so helpful. Replace pornography with any issue you have and the things they tell you in the manual can help you.   Know you are not the only one with this issue.   We need to not judge each other and just listen.  Be helpful and not judgmental.  If it is a child or even spouse that is having the problem, listen to your friend but don’t try to tear the spouse or child down by saying things like he is awful you shouldn’t put up with that. We don’t need to hear what we should have done better as a parent.  We are all doing the best we can.   Any negative connotations do not uplift and strengthen the person.  We need to listen with love and support. We need to build each other up.   Sister Burton said in her talk in 2015  “As covenant-keeping women and men, we need to lift each other and help each other become the people the Lord would have us become.” The world is “not only demeaning men’s devine roles and responsibilities but also sends  false messages about what it means to be a “real man.” One false message is “It’s all about me,” On the other end of the scale is the degrading and mocking message that husbands and fathers are no longer needed.  I plead with you not to listen to Satan’s lies! He has forfeited that sacred privilege of ever becoming a husband or father.  Because he is jealous of those who have the sacred roles he will never fill,  he is intent on making “all men...miserable like unto himself”!

Next I would like to talk about some of the things we can do as parents to help our children. Before we can understand what our children are going through we need to understand what issue we are dealing with.  In June 2010 there was an article in the Ensign called Education is the Key it  says “Pornography hijacks the brain by fueling dopamine production, which provides excitement, but no endorphins are emitted to help the brain feel satisfied…. This cycle leads users to fall deeper and deeper into their addiction as they seek a satisfaction that will never come.”  Maybe the boy or girl feels like they will never get that kind of relationship so all they have is to look at it on the internet.  This is one of the reasons we need to build a relationship with our children so that they will be honest with us and they will want to talk about their issues.  In the parent manual that I told you about earlier.  There is a section called Build Trust and Develop Strong Relationships, how we do this is I quote

“Through prayer, we can receive revelation on how to help our children feel connected to us and the rest of our family. As we build strong relationships with each child, we give them a safe place to turn. We should let our children know that they can talk to us and that they won’t be criticized. Because of shame, our children may feel embarrassed or hesitant to talk to us. Some of this hesitation may come from our children’s unique personalities, but it’s easier for our children to approach us when they know they will be received with love and support.”

 Another thing to think about and something  I did that I am now ashamed of is try to guilt him.  One of the times he relapsed I told him that if he didn’t stop doing this he was going to destroy his life.  I even gave him a bunch reasons as to why he would destroy his life. I told him about people that lost everything  like a man who lost his family, another man that ended up in prison and another man who lost his family and ended up in prison. Some of these people he knew and I hoped that it would scare him to stop.  Something I learned just recently is those words did not help him, they probably hurt him more than helped him.  Later on when he was married other people told him the same thing I told him years ago.  They told him his wife would leave him if he didn’t stop or his life would be ruined but that is his story to tell so I’ll stop there. In the Help for Parents manual that the church came out with in 2019, there is a section called How do I respond when I discover my child has viewed pornography? 

 it states, “We may overreact when we discover that our children have viewed pornography. Feelings of fear can lead us to be less loving and supportive than we’d like to be. However, the best response is often to show love while seeking to understand the situation. Our children may be feeling shame, and we can help diffuse that shame by asking them questions about what they are feeling, what they experienced and saw, and what they hope to do moving forward. It’s important that we help our children feel safe and protected rather than fearful and vulnerable.”

As we seek to connect with our children, we can ask meaningful questions to help us understand our children’s experiences and how they are feeling. When we do so, we can gain insight about what they know and what they need to understand about human sexuality and intimacy.” The church has so much more on their website than when I was raising my son.  I handled the situation with my other son’s in a much more understanding way. I’ve learned that freaking out does not help in any situation. Freaking out is what Satan wants us to do.  Shaming is what Satan wants us to do.  

 Testimony