Raising Kids # 3- Letting our children make their own choices

 When each of your children are born, you look at them and have all these wonderful images of what their life will be like.  For young men, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints culture that dream for your baby boy is to serve a mission.  And now with the age for young women being only a year older than the young men, I would think that we see our girls going on missions also.  When I was growing up young men were encouraged to go on missions and young women could serve a mission if they were not married and reached the age of 21.  For all three of my boys I had a dream of them going on a mission.  I could see all of them going on a mission.  It almost seemed that if they did not go on a mission, I did not do my job as a mother.  For some reason, we in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints feel that if our child does not serve a mission, we did not do our job as parents.  I'm here to tell you that is not true.  Just because a child chooses a different path than following Church culture, does not mean we failed as parents.  We have to remember that we did the best we can and now we need to let them make their own choices and sometimes those choices are not what we had in mind for them.

    A few years ago as one of my sons got to the age of making his own decisions, we would talk a lot about what he wanted out of life.  We talked about missions, we talked about college, we talked about friends and girls and everything under the sun.  One day as we were talking, he said to me "Mom I don't want to go on a mission, I never really have wanted to go". I said, "Ok, so what do you want to do". He went on to tell me all that he wanted to do with his life.  He is a strong spirit with high goals and great dreams.  He has a testimony of Jesus Christ and loves the Gospel.  He is more focused than most return missionaries. I also told him that when he is ready to find a wife, most girls or their parents will look down on him because he chose to not go on a mission.  He understood that and said that if they didn't want to be with him because of that then that is their problem.  I was glad that he didn't want that to stop him from what he wanted out of life and the church. About a year later, COVID hit    I was actually relieved that he was not out on a mission.  He grew up with Asthma and COVID would of sent him home or who knows what could of happened.  I felt like that was an answer to my prayers to keep my son safe.  I knew he had prayed about a mission and I knew that I was at peace about him not going.  COVID reconfirmed that peace I felt when he told me he did not want to go.  A few months later, he started dating a girl.  She was a nice girl and didn't care that he didn't go on a mission.  But her dad did.  Her dad thought he was not good enough for his daughter just because he did not go on a mission.  All my son could say was, he is just protecting his daughter.  I on the other hand was furious. The mother bear in me came out!   How could he judge my son for one choice in his life when my son is a better man than some returned missionaries.  My son the man that he is would just say, "mom it's ok, he is just watching out for his daughter."  I would say well, just show him you are a better man than most men out there. Needless to say, he did not stay with that girl. I was afraid that my son would never be good enough for that father and my son did not need a life like that.  

As parents we see the good in our children, we think we know what is best for them.  We think our plan is the best for them  In this church culture that we have created where all worthy men need to go on missions and if they don't they are not good disciples of Jesus Christ, I feel that is wrong. Robert D. Hales in one of his talks says  "What does it mean to be a disciple of our Lord Jesus Christ? A disciple is one who has been baptized and is willing to take upon him or her the name of the Savior and follow Him. A disciple strives to become as He is by keeping His commandments in mortality, much the same as an apprentice seeks to become like his or her master." My son chose to not go on a mission, and yet my son chose to forgive a man that looked down on him.  Which one was a disciple of Jesus Christ?  I'm not the judge here but my son taught me that day what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  He taught me that when we look down on people because they make a different choice than we think they should does not make them a bad person.  It should make us think what is our real priority. Do I look like a bad mom because my son chose to not go on a mission?  Maybe in some peoples eyes but really what those people think does not matter to me.  I feel I am a good mom because I taught my son to have a relationship with his Heavenly Father.  He prayed and he made a choice that was best for him.  I can't be upset about that.  Would a mission be a good thing for him,  YES but does he need a mission to have a good testimony, NO!  He works on his testimony, he is a very good young man!  Any woman would be so lucky to have him!  I hope and pray that he finds a woman that is good enough for him.  

On another note, when your child chooses a different path than what you had planned make sure they still get the priesthood if they are worthy.  Just because they do not go on a mission, does not mean their progression in the gospel stops.  If they are worthy and have done nothing wrong, they can still get the priesthood.  That is something I learned with my son.  We did not know how that process should take place, your son needs to talk to his bishop. He needs to want the priesthood, he needs to want to progress to the next step on the covenant path.   Keep an open communication with your child.  He needs you to listen and not judge him.  I've said it before, he needs to know you love him no matter what his choice is.  

Just because he chose not to serve a mission does not mean he is a bad son, it means his mission is in his own hands.  It means he needs to find out what his Heavenly Father wants him to do.  Love your kids!  

Being a mom is hard work and it plays a huge role in teaching myself  how to be healthy while raising children. That is what I will talk about next week.  Have a great week!