Finding Joy and Loving Your Spouse

I know I was going to talk about loving your spouse but before I do that this week I want to talk to you about finding Joy.  My son that was divorced a couple of years ago has found someone else to love.  After his divorce,   He told me, Mom, how do I find a happily ever after when I already had that.  I would tell him, one day you will find someone you can love and you will find out how much more you can love her.  Last weekend he was married to a girl that is his match in every way.  She gets him, she gets his humor, she is not embarrassed by what he wants out of life.  She makes him a better man and wants the dreams he wants.  Just looking at her you can see that she believes in him in every way.  She truly loves him.  

    At one point in the reception, my son took his bride out to the dance floor for what would be the sweetest moment I would see that night.  As they danced on the dance floor my little grandson stood looking at them.  At one point he reached up for his dad to pick him up, so he did and immediately his bride went to get her little girl.  For the next few minutes the four of them danced on the dance floor.  They hugged each other and  danced together in the most beautiful dance I have ever seen.  They were a family, they all loved each other and even though they both know that life will not be easy all of the time, they knew in that moment that they were a family and they loved each other.  My son has found a happily ever after that he could not see when he was in the pit of despair after his divorce. My son found a love that he didn't know existed.  My grandson has another person in his life to love him.  He has another set of grandparents to love him.  What a blessing to see your child's lowest moment in life and see him over come that and find a huge blessing to take him through life.  It proves to me once again that if you can get through the hard time, something grater is waiting for you.  We will all have hard times.  Marriage is not an easy thing.  A couple needs to work together, communicate, believe in each other and strive daily to find the good in each other.  

A few years ago  there were a lot of couples in our town that were struggling in their marriage.  I don't know all the issues and I didn't need to know all the issues but here are some things I've contemplated the 28 years of marriage that I have had.  When all these things were going on I could not understand how someone could just give up on their spouse and their whole marriage.  How does someone choose another person when they are married to someone else.  How do people fall out of love.  Because at one point they did love that person. 

     One day as I was working out at the gym, there was this guy that would work out next to me on the elliptical.   This particular day I was aggravated by something my husband did.  I didn't talk to the guy about my husband but we were laughing and having a good time.  Then the thought came to my mind, this is how trouble in marriage starts.  You are irritated with your spouse and without even knowing it, you start to develop a relationship with another person that gives you what you feel like your spouse isn't giving you.  So what did I do, I told the man I was talking to that I was going to go on another machine.  I doubt anything would of happened but if that is how situations start, I did not want that to happen to me.   I went home from the gym and talked to the one person I am supposed to talk to, my spouse.  I told him what irritated me and I told him about talking to the other guy.  I kept my spouse up to date on how I was feeling. This does not mean you can't have friends other than your spouse.  It just means you need to keep your spouse involved in your frustrations.  Especially if you think your spouse is the one causing the frustrations.  Talk to them.  If they won't listen then that is another issue but I would not suggest talking to someone that will trash talk your spouse.  In my experience as soon as you focus on the things you hate, that is when you start looking for something else.  If you focus on the negative it will only lead to misery.  If you focus on what you are grateful for you will find peace.  When I get frustrated with my spouse I try to find something I can be grateful for.  If I start complaining to a friend about him, I try to stop and focus on things I am grateful for. Another way that helps me change my thinking about my spouse is to serve him.  Even if it is folding his laundry.  Now remember service means doing it without complaining.  If you fold your spouse's laundry and think how irritating it is to fold his laundry and he never does anything, that is not service that is fueling the fire.  You have to think about how much you love your spouse and how much you want to help him by serving him.   

Here is a situation.  This can be a man or a woman so replace woman with man if you are a man.  A woman starts feeling neglected by her spouse, ( I think we all feel that way every once in a while). She does not talk to her spouse about it, instead she bashes her spouse with a good friend.  The friend starts to tell her things like, why do you put up with that.  If he is so terrible why don't you just leave him.  I don't like the way he treats you. He should not act that way, you deserve better.  Never mind that the friend did not see that last night the husband did the dishes and swept the floor.  In my mind that friend is not being very helpful.  She is fueling the fire. And that woman if she does not find a way to be grateful for something her husband did do, she might end up divorced.    

Instead what if the friend said something like what is something you like about your husband?  Can you find one thing your husband does for you.  Maybe it is he asked about your day.  Or maybe it is he made you laugh about something.  Couples need to find the good in their marriage.  There is good even if it is that, well at least  he does not hit me.  Men need to be told what you want.  They can not read your mind just like you can not read their mind.  That book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, that is so true.  Men and women do not think a like at all.  

   Maybe you are thinking, but why do I always have to be the one to do everything.  Why do I have to be the one to figure out what we need to do. Why do I have to tell him what needs to be done when he should be able to see it.  I'll tell you because if you want your marriage to survive we have to work at it.  Does it seem fair no but men don't always know what to do if we don't tell them.  Men if you want a wife that is more into you, then you need to step it up.  You need to do things around the house.  Your wife is tired, if she works out of the home or in the home she is going all day long.  Her mind is going all day thinking of everything the kids need to do and everything she needs to do.  Women know men work to and they are tired at the end of the day. Just think about it, if you are that tired, She is too.  Women, men are tired and they love you but sometimes they don't give you the attention you need.  Tell them!!!!  I can't say that enough.  If you don't like something they are doing TELL THEM!!  They can't fix what they don't know is wrong if they don't know they are doing it.  You have to tell them before you blow up and end your marriage.  If you are not happy, tell them!  Sometimes they will listen and sometimes they will not. 

    I also believe a marriage is not over until a person gives up.  If one person gives up, that does not mean it is over.  There are moments that My husband carried the marriage and moments that I carried the marriage.  

Unfortunately if one gives up and does not want the marriage to make it, It probably won't make it.  Counseling can help but if one person is not up for putting in the work to help the marriage, they are probably done and want it over.  I do believe that if the one person wants the marriage to work, Heavenly Father will help them figure out a way to reach the person that does not want it to work.  It will not be easy, you have to work at it every day but I do believe there is a way to fix any broken marriage if it is meant to be and one person has enough courage and strength to make it work.  Pray for peace and comfort to know what to do.  Focus on the good that is happening in your marriage.  Write down things you are grateful for everyday.  If you want to be happy focus on the happy moments.  I really believe that is the only way to get through the hard times. 

 I would like to point out a great article from the website churchofjesuschrist.org called

What Happily Married Couples Do

By Douglas Brinley 

He has some great Ideas to help a marriage grow. Here is the link: 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2012/01/what-happily-married-couples-do?lang=eng

To end I want to quote President Spencer W. Kimball in The Teachings of  Spencer W. Kimball said in 1982. 

 “Marriage partners must be quick to forgive. If we will sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling differences—if we forgive and forget with all our hearts … if we forgive all real or fancied offenses before we ask forgiveness for our own sins—if we pay our own debts, large or small, before we press our debtors—if we manage to clear our own eyes of the blinding beams before we magnify the motes in the eyes of others—what a glorious world this would be! Divorce would be reduced to a minimum; courts would be freed from disgusting routines; family life would be heavenly; the building of the kingdom would go forward at an accelerated pace; and the peace which passeth understanding would bring to us all a joy and happiness which has hardly ‘entered into the heart of man.’”

The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (1982), 242.